These Small Hours
by Sandtigress
Summary: Their lives were made in these small hours, the little moments that slip away. Added - Grief: It's never easy to say goodbye to a friend
1. SSV Normandy

_A/N So these are just some shorts that won't get out of my head unless I jot them down. I don't think they're substantial enough to warrant being their own stories each, but they are connected in that they exist in the same "universe" of my Shepard. So they get lumped together here. Warning: they are most likely going to be short, fluffy things of the type that I don't usually write. Why, I have no idea. But hey, we all need a little fluff in our diet, right? So without further ado, mindless fluff._

There she was. The SSV Normandy, most technologically advanced ship in the Alliance navy. Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko studied his new assignment through the windows of the dock as he approached, eyes taking in her sleek lines and streamlined shape. She really was a beautiful ship. It was quite an honor to be assigned to her – the roster of her crew was extremely distinguished.

Her pilot was rumored to be one of the best in the entire Alliance navy, despite being relatively young. Her chief navigator had earned distinctions during the Skyllian Blitz, and that was just the start.

Captain Anderson was a highly decorated Alliance special forces operative with years of distinguished service. His name cropped up with commendation after commendation from the First Contact War onwards. It was no surprise that the Alliance had given command of its prized prototype ship to such a decorated hero.

It was her executive officer that intrigued him though. Lieutenant Commander Shepard. Like Captain Anderson she was a Special Forces graduate and a highly decorated officer. She was also probably the youngest person ever awarded the Star of Terra, for her actions at Elysium. Kaidan was a little in awe of the woman, to be honest. If she could almost single-handedly repulse an army of batarian slavers and mercenaries straight out of the academy, what was she capable of now?

No, it was no surprise that such illustrious men and women were assigned to the Normandy. The Alliance wanted only the best aboard this ship, that was the combined efforts of humans and turians. This was the Alliance's chance to prove themselves to the Council and they were investing only the best into her. It made him wonder sometimes why he had been assigned command of the marine detail next to such decorated officers. He had plenty of commendations, but his service had been quiet compared to theirs. But then perhaps that was part of the point – a solid officer who nonetheless wouldn't intimidate the hell out of the marines like their captain and XO.

And speaking of which…Kaidan turned the corner to the boarding ramp to the Normandy to find his commanding officers there at the hatch, talking to an official looking delegation. A final inspection of sorts before the Normandy's launch, probably.

Captain Anderson was exactly what he would have predicted. A solid man in character and build, self-possessed, confident in a way that reassured the men and women serving under him. He conversed with the two men before them while the lieutenant commander stood by, offering few comments of her own. She…she was not at all what he expected. The Alliance dress uniform did little to disguise a slim, athletic figure and even its starkness and a utilitarian military cut to her hair did nothing to play down the attractive face between. Even from a distance the sheer force of her personality was palpable. A formidable woman indeed.

Shepard saluted the other pair of officers and the visit was over. Kaidan dropped his bag to stand at attention, but the other two spared only the barest of protocol to his salute before they passed him by, muttering to each other.

Shepard held the same cool, capable air as the Captain next to her until the men were out of sight, then she visibly relaxed, fidgeting a little with the uniform collar like she wasn't quite used to wearing it. Captain Anderson said something he couldn't hear, something that she responded to with a rueful smile and a laugh. That smile transformed her from merely attractive to beyond beautiful. Kaidan gulped back more than a little trepidation – it was hard not to respond to that smile. He reminded himself that this was not just any woman, she was his commanding officer and it was best not to forget that.

He hoisted his bag back over his shoulder again and made his way down the rest of the loading dock. "Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, reporting for duty, sir," he said with a crisp salute. "Ma'am," he added, greeting Commander Shepard personally.

"Good timing, lieutenant," she replied, keeping the same easy, relaxed posture. "You just missed the trial of the century."

"Sorry I'm late, ma'am," Kaidan apologized. "I didn't receive any notices about an inspection today or I…"

She waved his concerns away. "Trust me, Alenko, you _really_ didn't want to be here for that."

"Shepard is exaggerating," Captain Anderson said mildly, "but regardless, they only requested that the commander and I be here. It was just a final inspection before the crew arrives."

"A grand inquisition is more like," Shepard muttered darkly. "They wanted to impress upon the Normandy's commanding officers how important this mission is to furthering the Alliance's goals towards respect in the galactic community, ultimately culminating in humanity's receipt of the Council seat that we so rightly deserve." Her voice took on the exaggerated grandiose tone of someone who had heard a piece of rhetoric one time too many.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "I take it you don't agree with them, ma'am?"

She waved that aside too. "Nothing so simple as that. I just think humanity's going to earn its place when it earns its place. Some of the aliens have been waiting for centuries. They're not just going to give us a council seat because we have a nice ship," Shepard explained with a shrug. "We'll do our jobs, but beyond that there's no point in worrying about it."

"The commander puts it eloquently," Captain Anderson said dryly.

Shepard returned with a wry grin again, then turned towards Kaidan, extending her hand in the process. "Glad to have you on board, lieutenant."

He found himself bracing against that smile yet again even as he reached out to shake her hand. They both jumped a little, startled at the spark that popped between them when their hands touched.

The commander recovered first. "Well, can't say I've worked with another biotic before. Looking forward to it, Alenko. We'll have to watch that static though." She grinned at him and he thought his heart might have skipped a beat or two. This was without doubt a very dangerous woman, on many levels.

"Um, likewise, ma'am," he returned when he thought he could speak again.

Captain Anderson watched them with just a hint of amusement on his face. "I have some business to attend to. I trust you two can settle in on your own?"

"Yes sir," they replied simultaneously, saluting the captain as he took his leave.

"Well, lieutenant," Shepard said, gesturing towards the open hatch of the Normandy, "If you'll come with me, I'll show you around. She's quite the ship."

"Yes ma'am," he replied, taking up his bag again. As he fell in line behind her, he thought to himself that he might just follow this woman anywhere in the entire galaxy she wanted him to go.


	2. Space

The door slid shut behind her, and Shepard examined her personal quarters for the first time since they had become hers. Hers, what an odd thought. Funnier still perhaps that having her own quarters was more overwhelming than having command of her own ship and being the first human ever given the honor of becoming a Spectre, but she'd never had a space all of her own before.

Living on the streets on Earth it was rare enough to just have a possession of your own for more than a few minutes, let alone a place to call your own, and even at the shelter she had shared a room with whichever girls had happened to be in residence as well. At the academy she'd always had at least one roommate and after that it was ship after ship with close quarters and beds traded with whoever was on duty at the time. Even as ship XO she hadn't been excused from sharing a bunk. So this…it almost seemed excessive, this much room just for one person.

Shepard took her time in examining the simple room. Desks, chairs, her own personal terminal. An honest-to-goodness _bed_. With blankets and pillows and everything. Though some might name it sparse, it was almost extravagant by her standards. Rank and titles were somewhat intangible things. _This_ was an indication to her of how far she had come in life from the slums where she had begun. Her own ship with which to explore space…and this tiny, simple space of her own.

"Commander Shepard?" The door slid open again with a hiss. "I just thought I'd see how…" Ashley stopped abruptly before running into her commander who was still standing just within the doorway. "Um, Commander? Is everything alright?" the young gunnery chief asked as she stood awkwardly at the entrance to the room.

"Just fine, Williams," Shepard said, turning around to face the other woman. "I was inspecting my new quarters. What were you saying?"

"I just wanted to see how you were doing, being the first human Spectre and all that," Ashley said. "And after what they did to Captain Anderson…that was really rotten of them."

"It was," Shepard agreed. "But we'll make him proud when we catch that bastard Saren. It's the only way to make it worth it."

The younger woman nodded. "Yes ma'am." She hesitated a moment, then looked past Shepard to the room beyond. "Nice place, Commander. It's a little plain though, don't you think?"

"This is a military ship, Williams," Shepard replied. "We're not exactly on a pleasure cruise. It's not like I'll be spending much time here anyways." And it wasn't as though she had much in the way of personal knick-knacks with which to decorate it with either. No, she was content with her quarters just the way they were.

"Ah, yes ma'am," the young soldier answered. "I just thought, maybe, well here." She pressed something into Shepard's hands. "Think of it as a cabin-warming present. From L-T and me. Even if he doesn't know about it."

The holo flickered to life when she turned it over. "Wow," Shepard remarked with a laugh. "Alenko looks _really_ awkward here."

Ashley grinned back. "He does, doesn't he? I think you scare him, Commander. He keeps tripping over his own tongue when he's around you." Shepard didn't know how to answer that, so she went back to examining the holo. It was the three of them, frozen in some candid moment in time from their recent foray at the Citadel. "Apparently some souvenir shop in the Wards takes these when people walk by," Ashley explained. "It's gimmicky, but it caught my eye when I walked past, so I thought I'd pick it up for you. I know it's a little against protocol but…"

"It's alright," Shepard reassured her. "I appreciate the thought, Ash."

"Glad to hear it, ma'am," Williams said with a smile. "Anyways, I'll be at my station if you need me." The door hissed shut with the gunnery chief's departure.

Shepard walked over to the desk and set the holo frame down next to her personal terminal. Looking at that holo, she decided to amend her previous thought. Being a Spectre, having the freedom to travel space, and space of her own, those were still marvelous things. But having friends to share it with? That was a greater triumph than she had ever expected.


	3. One Night at the Citadel

Shepard looked at the half-finished report in front of her and sighed. It needed to be done though, and the Normandy would be far quieter with her crew gone enjoying their evening of shore-leave. A little R&R would be good for all of them, especially Liara. The asari woman had put on a brave face on the way from Noveria, but they all knew that Benezia's death had been hard for her. Shepard hoped that she'd be able to find a way to grieve a little once she could be away from the ship. It was hard to have any kind of privacy in such close quarters and the doctor clearly did not want to worry her shipmates.

The intercom crackled to life with Williams' voice. "Commander?"

Shepard hit the button to unlock the door, which opened to reveal Williams and Alenko, both dressed in civilians. The two seemed to be getting along well. Sometimes she wondered if they might not have a little thing going, in spite of the rules against fraternization. She wouldn't really mind, things were a bit more relaxed on the Normandy now that she was in part a Council vessel. Right now, they looked somewhat surprised to see her. "Um, Commander?" ventured the lieutenant. "You're not going on-shore?"

She shook her head. "Instead of places to go I've got reports to write." She shrugged and smiled ruefully. "You know how it is."

"Come on, Commander!" Ashley implored. "You deserve a day off too!"

"You could come with us," Kaidan suggested. "It could be fun."

"I really shouldn't…" she began.

"Please, Commander?" Ashley entreated.

Both her subordinates shot her simultaneous hopeful looks and Shepard caved with a laugh. "Okay, okay. You win, I'll come." She pushed away from her desk and stood. "Shall we go then?"

"We can wait while you get changed," Kaidan offered.

"No need, Alenko," Shepard replied. "I'm fine as it."

Ashley frowned. "You don't really want to go out in uniform, do you?"

Shepard shrugged. "To tell you the truth, I don't really have much else," she replied, a little self-consciously. "I went from the streets to the academy and straight to duty. Not much time for clothes shopping in between."

Ashley traded glances with Kaidan. "Change of plans, L-T. Go find something to do for a few hours. The commander and I will meet you later."

"What?" Shepard and Kaidan asked simultaneously.

"You and I are going shopping, Commander," Ashley said brightly. Shepard forced herself not to groan out loud.

-~0~-

Kaidan checked his omni-tool again. "1800, Flux" was all the message from Ash had said. He looked around, but saw no sign of the two women yet, so he leaned back in his seat to wait. He was about to order a drink from one of the passing asari waitresses when she walked through the door.

Ashley had managed to put their commanding officer in something other than a uniform. It was nothing fancy – black skirt and a high-necked red top, finished with a black leather jacket and knee high boots. Perfectly modest, and she looked absolutely stunning. And very nervous, he noted as she paused at the entrance to the club, tucking back stray hair behind her ear the way he noticed that she did when she was frustrated or apprehensive about something. It was amusing and endearing at the same time, knowing that the woman who faced down krogan and rogue Spectres without blinking was intimidated walking into an ordinary club, something the majority of the people here did without a second thought. It was nice to know she was only human after all.

He waved to get her attention, and her face lit up with recognition when she saw him. Shepard moved through the crowd the way that only she could – people seemed to know to just get out of her way, even when she wasn't visibly armed, though he had no doubts that she had managed to find some place to conceal at least one weapon on her person. And like always a good number of eyes followed her as she passed by, though this time those eyes were almost exclusively (though not entirely) male. Kaidan had to laugh a bit to himself, Shepard really had no idea of the effect she had on people.

She slipped into the seat across from his with obvious relief. "You wouldn't _believe_ how many stores there are here, and I think Williams dragged me through every one. Clothing, makeup, hair, the whole nine yards. I…" She cut off, a look of consternation crossed her face. "Does it look that bad?" she asked, sounding worried. Kaidan realized he must have been staring.

"Are you serious?" he blurted, before realizing that that probably wasn't very helpful either. "Take a look around, Commander. There's not a man in the room who can take his eyes off of you."

She didn't look. "And what about you, lieutenant?" she asked with a smile and a mischievous sparkle in her dark eyes. That impish look usually meant trouble for somebody, and he met it with the usual strange mixture of apprehension and exhilaration.

"I always pay attention when I'm out with a lady," he answered as glibly he could.

The sally earned him another grin. "Very smooth, Alenko," she murmured and he smiled back.

"So where is Ash anyways?" he asked curiously, looking around. He hadn't seen the gunnery chief yet.

Shepard shrugged. "She said something about making sure all our bags got back to the Normandy and she took off." At that moment both their omni-tools signaled incoming messages. Kaidan glanced down at his, Shepard mirroring the action across the table. _"Things came up, you're on your own – Ash"_ the message read.

"You got one from Williams too?" Shepard asked wryly. He nodded in response, then glanced down again at a second flash. This was starting to feel like a conspiracy, Kaidan thought darkly to himself. The second message from Ashley confirmed his guess. _"Don't just sit there, L-T, ask her to dance or something! You can thank me later. -A"_

"I'll get you for this, Ashley," he muttered. The commander shot him a questioning look. "Someone's got a bad sense of humor," he said. She raised an eyebrow, but said nothing further. What could it hurt to tell her? "Ashley thinks I should ask you to dance."

To his surprise, Shepard balked immediately. "Oh no, you don't want to see that. I'm a terrible dancer."

It piqued his interest. "I have a hard time believing there's anything you can't do," he told her, to which she flashed him a wry grin.

"Hang out with me long enough, Alenko, and you'll find I have all sorts of limitations," she told him seriously.

It was bait he simply couldn't refuse. "You can't be worse than me," he said. "I'm serious, Commander," he insisted when she continued to look dubious. "I've seen you move in the field. There's no way you're a bad dancer."

She grimaced and raised a hand to flag down a waitress. "If we're going to do this, I'm going to need a few drinks first…"

They made idle small talk while waiting for their drinks, chatting about how the various marines in their command were shaping up and how the Normandy was flying. It felt inappropriate talking about work when they were technically off-duty, but he didn't know what else to say and Shepard was clearly feeling out of her element. Kaidan wasn't used to the commander being at anything other than her confident best, and he found it felt especially odd to have her being so antsy just talking to him. He'd always thought they had a fairly comfortable working relationship, and maybe something just a little bit more.

It seemed forever before the waitress returned, setting their drinks down upon the table. Shepard shot him an appreciative smile when Kaidan offered to cover the tab, then downed her two shots in rapid succession. "All right," she muttered, rising from her seat. "Let's do this before I lose my nerve." She started for the dance floor leaving Kaidan to gulp down his drink in a hurry to catch up to her.

The music seemed to be one long never-ending train of rhythm sound, so there wasn't really an opportune, or inopportune, moment to jump in. Shepard found them some space on the dance floor, and by mutual assent they started with their backs to each other. Kaidan had never been all that fond of dancing. Maybe when he was a kid…but then had come Jump Zero and really developing his biotic powers. Being a teenager was awkward enough, not to mention being a geeky teenager. Being a biotic teenager in a time when biotic abilities were just being discovered had been even worse, and the rumors had always been circulating about brain camp and the reasons it had been shut down. It had been difficult to maintain anything resembling a social life. He hadn't really minded, truthfully, since until recently he hadn't met anyone worth pursuing socially.

Of course, if anyone would understand, it would be Shepard, being a biotic herself and having as far from a normal childhood as he could imagine even though they both grew up on earth. And with that, he decided he had to know whether she was as bad as she said. He maneuvered himself around to see and she was…awful. It was one of the funniest things he'd ever seen in his life, something between a shuffle and a wiggle and like she didn't quite know how to coordinate her arms with the rest of her. Not that he was much better. She turned around shortly after him and they stared at each other for a brief few moments before doubling over in laughter at each other. And just like that, all the strange tension between them simply evaporated.

"You want to get out of here?" he asked when he managed to catch his breath again. Shepard wiped the tears of laughter out of her eyes and nodded.

The endless pulsating beat of Flux faded behind them. They grabbed dinner at one of the numerous food vendors in the wards after first checking to make sure it was safe for human consumption. They had heard enough warning from Garrus and Dr. Chakwas for that. It amused him that she packed away almost as much food as he did, but that was a biotic thing too. Sometimes he felt a little self-conscious around people who didn't get the drain that using his abilities created on his system, but not with Shepard. He'd caught her snatching late night snacks from the mess as well too often for that.

They ate walking along the waterways, enjoying the cool simulated evening air of the Presidium, though they steered clear of the mass relay monument by mutual accord. Kaidan wondered if it had something to do with being a biotic too – it made his teeth tingle to be near the monument and Shepard said it buzzed in her head and gave her headaches.

They talked for ages about…he didn't really know what. Whatever came to mind, from their next move in the search for Saren to intergalactic politics and hijinks at the academy. Talking with Shepard was like being with an old friend and he had few of those. It was nice. It was more than just nice…

He didn't realize how late it was until he cracked a yawn right in the middle of what he had been saying. Then Shepard was laughing at him again, and he liked that too. Probably too much…he reminded himself yet again that she was his commanding officer and getting drummed out for fraternization wasn't a great career option for a biotic who had few other opportunities in life.

Then again, everyone looked at Shepard like she was invincible, superhuman. Maybe she needed someone who saw her for what she was – a woman. An incredible, talented woman who accomplished things others couldn't dream of, but still human under all of that. She hadn't yet objected to his tentative flirtations, at least, and even seemed to encourage them a little. But it was probably all just his imagination. It wouldn't be appropriate anyways.

"Past your bedtime, lieutenant?" she teased.

He yawned again. "Seems like it," he conceded. "Where are you staying tonight?"

"I was _supposed_ to be working on my reports tonight," Shepard reminded him wryly. "I was just going to stay in my quarters."

"I'll walk back with you then," he offered.

She gave him a raised eyebrow and a skeptical smile. "Appreciate the offer, but I'm a big girl, Alenko. I can take care of myself, promise. You don't have to go out of your way for me."

Kaidan shrugged. "Honestly, I was planning on bunking on board the Normandy myself. I figured there'd be room with the crew gone. So we're heading the same way, Shepard. I mean, Commander," he corrected immediately, but she waved away the apology.

"We're both off-duty, right?" she said easily. "Anyhow, I'm not the type who minds a slip of the tongue every once and awhile." Though it seemed like it happened far more than "every once and awhile" when she was concerned, he thought ruefully.

-~0~-

The walk back was pleasant enough, and they filled the time with easy chit-chat until they reached the dock where the Normandy waited. The outer door slid open for them and they stepped into the decontamination room. It always seemed like a waste of time to Shepard since they were at the Citadel, not some alien planet, but some procedures you simply couldn't bypass. It was too loud to talk over the scanners, so they waited in silence. When the interior ship door finally opened, Kaidan stood aside and motioned for her to go in ahead of him.

"Ladies first," he said, and how he managed to keep a straight face, she would never know. Then again, Kaidan really was a nice guy like that. A nice guy, down to earth and sensible, and a biotic to boot. If he hadn't been a fellow marine, not to mention one of her subordinates, he would have been perfect. But there were, again, some procedures couldn't be broken. Or shouldn't be, anyways. _Right, shouldn't be. Remember that,_ she told herself firmly. But it had been a long time since there had been a guy she trusted enough to even think about that way. It would figure he'd be out of bounds.

A great deal of noise from the comm room drew their attention and provided a welcome distraction on the way back to their quarters. Curiously Shepard travelled down the length of the Normandy, where the sounds of a full-scale battle filled what should have been quiet space, Kaidan covering her back like he always did. If the ship hadn't been so still, she might have been more alarmed. The comm room door opened at her touch.

"Um, hey Commander, lieutenant." Joker was sprawled out on the floor atop some blankets and a number of pillows he must have taken from the crews' quarters. Some vid was playing at top volume over the comm room's screens. The flight lieutenant hit a button, and the scene froze mid-explosion.

Shepard looked down askance at him. "Um, everything okay here, Joker?"

"Oh, sure Commander," he assured her. "Just thought I'd take advantage of the crew being gone and all to watch the latest vid on the big screen, you know? What?" he protested when they continued to stare at him. "My screen's tiny. Anyways, did you two have a good date night?"

"What?" Shepard and Kaidan blurted out simultaneously, taking a step away from each other.

"We weren't on a date!" Kaidan objected, even as Shepard contended "It wasn't a date!" They were just two people, two friends, spending a nice night out together, to relax. That was all.

Joker raised an eyebrow. "So what did you two do tonight then?" he asked.

"We met up at Flux," Shepard started.

"We had a few drinks," Kaidan continued, "and we might have danced a bit."

"Dinner by the Presidium," Shepard supplied, "and that was it!"

"Just the two of you?" the pilot asked, and they had to nod. "Sounds like a date to me," Joker said with a shrug. "But whatever. I just drive this thing, what do I know?"

"Right," Kaidan said, looking quite mortified. "I think I'm just going to go to bed now."

"Right behind you, Alenko," Shepard agreed, then realized how that must have sounded when Joker started grinning again. "To my quarters. Alone," she corrected, glaring at beaming pilot. Kaidan looked suspiciously like he might be blushing as he backed away and made for the crew quarters, just barely managing to make it look like he wasn't running.

Shepard shook her head and turned away so Joker wouldn't see her smile. "You have a good night, Joker," she told him, as she walked back out the door. "Turn the volume down a bit when you start the vid back up, okay?" She headed back to her quarters with a smile. Maybe it hadn't been a date, but it certainly had been a nice night out at the Citadel.


	4. A Little TLC

Shepard waited as her crew filed out of the comm room. Garrus and Tali, escorting Liara to med bay. Wrex and Kaidan going with Kirrahe. Her crew, all accounted for. All except one, and Ashley would never step foot on the Normandy again. The noise of footsteps on metal flooring faded away as the door finally shut behind the last person. Shepard was finally able to bury her aching head in her hands, eyes closed, hoping the nausea would clear up enough for her to go before anyone started wondering where she was. She hadn't wanted to say anything, not when Ashley was gone, and Liara was weak, and they had made a major step in their fight against Saren. This was trivial. They needed their commander to be strong, confident and in charge, even if she felt nothing like any of that.

"Commander?" That was Kaidan's voice. She'd thought he had gone. Shepard wasn't really sure if she wanted to talk to him right now. They were both of them confused and hurting over Ashley's loss. She had done her best to save them both; this once, she had failed. And forced to pick between the two of them, she had known who she had to save, and why.

Of course there had been the nuke. Logically, she had _had_ to go back to make sure Saren's geth didn't stop the detonation somehow. That had been her head's reason for going back for Kaidan. But her heart knew there was a more pressing reason why, and she knew that she would have gone back even if it hadn't been the logical thing to do. But how did you tell someone that? _I let Ashley die because of how much I care about you._ It was a horrible admission to make.

Even more terrible…there had been a real temptation to rescue Ash instead. _Instead_ of Kaidan because she knew how she felt about him and that just wasn't acceptable in her position. There had been a moment where she had almost gone for Ashley to prove that her emotions didn't have control over her. But the nuke had stopped her. The nuke had been her salvation even while it was Ashley's end.

"Shepard…" The note in his voice was different this time, something more tender and gentle. His own admission that he felt the same way, about her and about what their feelings had cost them. She heard him crouch down next to her. "You sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine, Kaidan, promise. Just tired," she reassured him, then pushed herself out of the chair to prove it. _Bad idea_, she realized, when her vision swam and her knees buckled.

Kaidan's arms kept her from hitting the floor. "That's it, you're going to see Dr. Chakwas," he said firmly, his voice full of worry now.

"I'm fine, Kaidan, really," she insisted, trying to push him away. "Just got up too fast."

"That thing on Virmire may have done something to you," he argued, not relinquishing his grip on her. "You need to be checked out."

Shepard tried to pull away again. "I don't have time for this," she protested. "I just need to sit down for a minute and I'll be fine…"

"You're going to see the doctor if I have to drag you there myself," he told her grimly, then proceeded to make good on his word by hauling her up into his arms. That was completely unacceptable. She was a Marine, not some princess that needed rescuing, even if she did fancy the knight in question.

"Kaidan, put me down!" she ordered, to no avail. "Alenko!" He kept moving towards the comm room door. Finally, she pulled rank in frustration. "Lieutenant!"

That got his attention. He stopped stiffly and dropped her back down to her feet. "See, I'm fine," she told him, before she had to catch his arm again when her knees threatened to give way a second time. This time, Kaidan said nothing, though there was definitely a touch of _I told you_ in his expression.

"Fine," she sighed. "Just…don't carry me. I'm not some damsel in distress that you need to rescue."

He winced. "Shepard, you know that's not what I think. Far as I'm concerned, there's not a more capable person in the universe than you."

"I know, Kaidan, I know," she said wearily. "It's just that the crew needs to see me at my best."

"Yes ma'am," he replied. This time he waited to follow her lead and limited his aid to an arm around the waist to help her keep her balance. They managed to skirt the majority of the crew without notice since the Normandy was down to a skeleton crew at the moment. It had seemed heartless not to give them all a chance to mourn Ashley's loss, and how close they had all come to joining her.

They finally reached the med bay, empty except for Dr. Chakwas. Liara must have already been examined and sent to her quarters to rest. At least that meant her condition probably wasn't very serious. They couldn't afford to lose another person just now.

"Commander Shepard," the doctor noted with surprise. "How can I help you? If you're here to check on Dr. T'soni," the older woman supplied, "I've already sent her to her room. Simple exhaustion, nothing a few hours of sleep won't cure."

"My mother hen here thinks I need a doctor," Shepard said dryly, nodding her head at Kaidan.

"You nearly collapsed in the comm room," Kaidan retorted. "That's trouble in my book."

Chakwas motioned towards one of the tables. "Have a seat, Commander, and I'll take a look." Shepard did as she was told, knowing that Kaidan wasn't going to leave her alone about it until she did. The doctor set about with her examination. "Symptoms?"

"Nothing," she answered. "A headache and a little nausea. I'm just tired, that's all."

"Don't forget the 'almost collapsing' part," Kaidan put in, a hint of what might have been sarcasm or frustration in his normally even tone.

The doctor made no comment. "Are you still having nightmares?"

"I wouldn't call them 'nightmares'," Shepard replied. "More like visions. They're more real than plain nightmares."

Chakwas nodded. "But you're still not sleeping?"

"Not much," she admitted.

The doctor nodded again. "And when was the last time you ate something?" The commander didn't answer immediately, trying to remember. That seemed to be answer enough for Chakwas.

She turned towards Kaidan. "Lieutenant. I need you to go down to the mess hall, and get enough rations for three or four. Biotic rations," she clarified. "And some of those energy drinks they make for you." Shepard made a face at that, she _hated_ those things. If the Alliance was going to put so much money and effort into its biotics, they could at least make the stuff taste even remotely palatable. Kaidan gave them a confused, worried look then did as he was told. He was a good Marine.

"Now then, Commander," said the doctor, holding up a needle, "let's take care of you."

-~0~-

Kaidan made his way back from the mess, carefully balancing rations and bottles of drink. He'd tried to remember what she liked, not that there was much to like in Alliance rations. And she hated the energy drinks, so it was more about picking her least despised flavor rather than her favorite. The errand itself confused him. Was Doctor Chakwas just trying to get him out of the room? Maybe something was seriously wrong with Shepard. He didn't know what they would do if they lost her. He didn't know what he would do if he lost her.

He walked back into the med bay more concerned than ever now. He found Shepard seated on one of the monitoring beds, nodding her head at some instruction Doctor Chakwas was giving her.

"Ah, lieutenant," Chakwas greeted him. "Good timing. Sit down," she said, vacating her chair next to Shepard's bed, offering it to him. "Now both of you, eat," she ordered, her tone leaving no room for protest. "The first drug I gave you should reduce the nausea, Commander, so you should eat until the second one kicks in."

Kaidan took his seat and put meals in front of himself and Shepard. Though he put fork to mouth, he tasted nothing, the food more flavorless than usual. They ate mechanically in silence – Kaidan wanted to say something to break the awkwardness but he had no idea where to begin. He knew what was on both their minds…Ashley's death on Virmire. It should have been Ashley here in his place. She hadn't deserved to die, not so young, not like that. But then who would be looking after Shepard now, if not him? It was his duty to watch her back, wasn't it?

He was sorry Ash was gone, but at the same time, he was glad he was here, by Shepard's side. That thought made him feel all the more guilty. Nothing in the world could make up for Ashley's loss, but if there was anything that could ever begin to make it worthwhile, it was this chance to be with her. Except that he couldn't. They were both still Marines, both still on duty, both still on too important of a mission to let feelings get in the way. Maybe one day, when this was all over. When Saren was gone and the Reapers stopped, maybe then he could say something. But until then, they had to wait. He had to wait.

Eventually Shepard's movements slowed, growing more sluggish as her eyes began to droop a bit. "That's enough of that," Chakwas said, stepping in to remove the tray in front of Shepard. "Lay back, Commander," she instructed. "We'll keep an eye on your brainwaves tonight, see if we can keep the worst of the visions away so you can get some rest tonight."

Kaidan hovered by her side as Shepard's breathing slowed to the peaceful rhythm of sleep. He fretted while the doctor monitored machine outputs, making small adjustments for a few minutes. Finally, he just couldn't take it anymore.

"What's wrong with her, doctor? Will she be okay?" he asked anxiously.

"The same thing that's wrong with everyone on the Normandy right now, Kaidan," the doctor replied. "Everyone is on edge. Too much stress, no one is eating or sleeping, and Shepard is the worst of the lot. The two of you should know better," the doctor continued, a hint of exasperation coloring her voice. "You're both biotics. You know what your physical requirements are."

Kaidan stared at her without comprehension. Dr. Chakwas sighed. "I'm surprised you don't recognize the symptoms. She has a migraine Kaidan, that's all."

"But...Shepard is an L3," he stammered. She had the safe implants, not like his L2s.

"Biotic implants aren't the only cause of migraines, lieutenant," Chakwas explained with a small smile. "No one on board this vessel is taking this mission more personally than the commander. I'm surprised she hasn't collapsed under all the pressure sooner, to be honest." The doctor watched him appraisingly for a moment. "Have you told her yet?"

"What?" Kaidan stared at her in confusion.

"That you love her, of course," the doctor replied matter-of-factly, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

He didn't reply at first. She wasn't wrong. He did love this woman, everything about her. How fearless and dedicated she was, her self-sacrificial spirit and her determination to save everyone and everything, no matter the personal cost. How capable she was, and how despite all of the crap she had been put through and seen in her life she never lost hope that things would turn out right. How she could be the toughest soldier he had ever met without denying her femininity in the process, or how she could make difficult decisions in the field but still feel the repercussions so much. But he couldn't tell her any of that, not right now.

"It wouldn't be appropriate," he said instead.

"Love rarely waits until an appropriate moment," Chakwas answered. The doctor fiddled a bit more with the equipment.

"She'll be fine, Kaidan," the doctor said finally. "You're more than welcome to stay a while though, if you'd like. Just don't wait too long."

He nodded, knowing she meant more than just tonight. He watched Shepard sleeping for half the night, wishing he could work up the courage to break protocol and say all the things he felt inside. But in the end, when she woke, he had gone, ready to face any adversary with her but this one.


	5. Grief

Holos, notes from her family, a few simple prints of what must have been her favorite poems. Tennyson, Shepard thought. She knew he had been one of Ash's favorites. Bits and pieces of the soldier's life, now part of the legacy she had left behind.

Shepard pulled down the physical pictures, careful not to bend or tear them as she detached them from the walls. They went into a box with the holos and other knickknacks in the locker, things that would go back to Ashley's family when the mission was over. It was the least they could do for them. Shepard wished they could do more. But it only would have been right if she had been able to bring Ash back alive and well. Anything less was just not acceptable.

It wasn't that she'd never lost people under her command before. Military service as active as hers always involved loss. Some of them, like on Elysium, had even been civilians, not soldiers. Nor was Ash the first on this mission - Jenkins had gone before her. But Williams had been different. Something about the fight against Saren had made them all pull together. They were teammates, comrades in arms, friends. Ashley had been the heart of the Normandy, and now she was gone.

Shepard paused in the act of removing the last photo. One more and the locker would be empty, cold and impersonal, lacking any remnant of the vibrant woman who had been there before. One last photo and it would be final. Ashley would really be gone.

"Commander?"

She didn't answer him at first, a sudden wave of grief making it hard to speak for a moment even though she wasn't given to crying.

She heard him step closer, felt his presence at her back. "Shepard, you okay?"

"I'm fine, Kaidan," she answered finally. "Just putting away Ashley's things."

Kaidan reached around her to take up the last holo, one of Ashley and her sisters. "It's still hard to believe she's gone," he said softly. "I keep coming down here, expecting to see her with a shotgun in hand or something."

"I know, me too," Shepard replied. She reached out to take the holo, her hand resting on his. "When this is all over, I'm going to visit Ashley's family in person, let them know what a brave soldier she was."

"I think Ash would appreciate that, commander," Kaidan said with a smile. "I think her family will too."

"Would you come with me when I do?" she asked.

"I'd be honored, ma'am," he answered after a brief pause of surprise. "But why me? You were her commanding officer."

Shepard smiled, one of the first she could say was even remotely genuine since Virmire. "I came down here once to chat with Ash, when she was talking to her sisters. About you."

"About me?" Kaidan asked, his brow wrinkling in confusion.

"Mmhmm." She shot a mischievous look at her lieutenant. "They think you're cute."

On cue, the lieutenant started blushing. Ashley would have thought it was hilarious.

_Here's to you, Ash_, she thought. _Wherever you are._


End file.
